


AAGGGHHHH

by lacerations



Category: Death Note
Genre: Amputation, Biting, Blood, Blood and Gore, Blow Jobs, Cannibalism, Crack, Cream, Cucumbers, Euphemisms, Explicit Language, Gay Male Character, Hair, Haircuts, Lust, M/M, Menstruation, Organ Theft, Pain, Penis Size, Rejection, Sausages, Sex Magic, Small Penis, Sneezing, Tea, Theft, Titanic - Freeform, Touching, Wammy House, Wammy's Era, coleslaw, dong, mello's wang, schlong, wang, why do people click on this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-13
Updated: 2014-05-16
Packaged: 2018-01-24 15:05:40
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Underage
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,465
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1609442
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lacerations/pseuds/lacerations
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Do not hang my penis on the washing line, Near."</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. wang sneeze

Mello, vigorously pumping his little mini-mello with his hand fast and faster, suddenly let out a tiny scream, then sighed as if deflating. The white stuff went everywhere. It spurted all over the walls, the curtains, Mello's forehead. Mello opened his eyes, which were slightly stuck together with jizz, and noticed that someone was watching him.   
"Are you having a good orgasm, Mello?" Near stood at the door, twirling his hair. Mello's face, contorted in orgasmic pleasure/embarrassment/shock, fascinated Near.   
"I'm not having an orgasm. I'm sneezing," said Mello stubbornly as his ecstasy faded into mello(w) relief and he slumped onto the bed, wiping spunk out of his eyes with the back of his hand. He wished Near would stop coming into his room while he was masturbating. This was the fifth time.   
"I see," murmured Near. Mello put his little man back in his pants and started to wipe the milky ejaculate off his bed with an 18-ply tissue.  
"I have a cold." Mello coughed.   
"Oh." Near raised his thumb to his mouth.   
"Stop coming into my room."   
"But Mello. You were moaning. You sounded like you were in pain. I wanted to see if you were okay." 'I wanted to see your wang again,' he added silently. 'I wish I could see it every day. I wish it could be by my side at all times… Mello's wang…'   
"I'm fine," Mello said. "I'm just... very ill, and yes I was in a lot of pain and I sneezed and now you can leave, Near."   
But Near didn't want to leave.   
"I like it, Mello." He stared through the thin fabric of Mello's jeans at Mello's winkle, and his eyes twinkled.   
"What." Is he talking about my…? Mello raised his eyebrows.   
"I like it better than mine."   
"Well, yes," said Mello smugly, thinking that his was probably much bigger than Near's.   
"Let's see yours then, Near." 'Whip it out babe', was what he actually wanted to say, but he had a feeling Near wouldn't appreciate it.   
"Okay."   
Near gently closed Mello's door behind him, sat on the bed, removed his oversized clothes and pulled out his 100% all beef thermometer.   
"Oh," said Mello. Near's dill pickle, it was… the size of a house. Well, not quite - but it was at least 7 times bigger than Mello's.   
"Can I touch it?" asked Mello.  
"Of course!" said Near, overjoyed that somebody wanted to touch him in his special place.   
"Okay," said Mello and he put his hand on the gigantic willy and stroked it. It felt natural to do this, perhaps because it was of a similar size and texture to Mello's furless cat. Near gasped as his hard hardness got bigger and twitched.   
"Does it feel nice?" said Mello. Being so close to Near, he could smell his nice almond perfume. Near always smelled like an almond.   
"Keep touching it," Near choked out. "Please."   
"Okay." Mello continued to touch it, squeeze it, fondle it. He played gently then roughly with the big British sausage, while Near lay back on the bed and rolled his head side to side and clenched his little fists. Then Mello moved his head down to Near's crotch. And licked. SLRP.   
"Ahh!" Near groaned as Mello's mouth attempted to envelope his huge member of parliament. Of course, this was nigh on impossible, due to the sizeable… size… of his who who dilly.   
"Don't stop," Near whisper-moaned. Mello's teeth grazed against his skin puppet and he gasped.   
"Be careful, Mello." Don't bite it! Near thought to himself, laughing inside his own head at the absurdity of this idea.   
Mello, lost in the heat of the moment and probably high on pubescent lust or the hormone-pumped whole chicken he had for breakfast or perhaps Near's strange almond scented perfume, wrapped his mouth fully around Near's dong and sunk his teeth into it. Near gulped.   
"That kinda hur-" Mello bit down harder. And harder. And HARDER.   
"AAGGGHHHH~" The bitten-off winkle fell onto the bed. Blood poured out. Lymph (!) poured out. Near's fallen manhood tried to flop away, and almost rolled off the bed, but Mello stopped it with his hand. Near, in shock, stared at his detached appendage, watching as blood and other stuff leaked out of it, and out of him. The sheets were gonna stain.   
"Ooowwwww," Near's pained whisper pierced the quiet air. Mello, ignoring him, picked up the winky and plopped it into the jug of water beside his bed, moving the still-hard thing up and down in a half hearted attempt to get it clean. It almost got stuck. When the water in the jug had all gone bright red from blood Mello took out Near's dingle dongle and laid it on a towel on his bed. He studied the cuddly folds of the penis, the faint purply veins, the special twist of the big foreskin hat.   
"It is mine now," he said, satisfied. It was almost the size of his entire arm. Bigger than his arm, in fact. My new pet, he thought fondly, forgetting all about his cat.   
"That's not fair!" said Near, who was probably bleeding to death. Near had a strong sense of fairness. Of justice. If Mello was going to take his, he was going to take Mello's. He grabbed Mello and pushed him to the floor and sat on his legs and pulled his jeans down.  
"Oof," said Mello, struggling, looking nervously out of the corner of his eye at the bed where his new prized possession was about to fall off the towel. Near put his hands around Mello's little mister and smiled.  
Mello wriggled fervently, trying to escape. What was Near planning to-  
Near put his head down and sucked on Mello's microscopic fishing rod. Mello moaned. Then,  
UNGGK~! Near bit, hard, just once, and it fully came off in his mouth. Mello screamed without noise. Oh god, the pain. The paaaiiiinnnnnnnnnngggggnnnnn.  
Not liking the feel of Mello's manfish swimming around in his mouth and banging into his teeth, Near spat the spunkadoodle out and licked it clean, his little catlike tongue fitting efficiently into the slit. Meanwhile Mello was still on his back on the floor, hyperventilating, screaming silently.   
"Serves you right, though, really," said Near lightheartedly. Mello's eyes rolled back in his head and he began to foam at the mouth. But it was just a minor seizure and only lasted thirty seconds. For these thirty seconds Near sat on his heels, faced the bed and gently, quietly, carefully placed his and Mello's removed items of genitalia on the white bath towel, as if arranging tea cups for a tea ceremony. Mello's lust caterpillar was, well, slightly deformed so Near pressed the beige head with his thumbs, moulding it into a nicer shape, and patted it gently.   
"Oh dear," he said as he pressed it a bit too hard and some cream came out of it.   
"Cream." Near licked off the cream and rearranged the roger on the towel next to his own. The sunlight shone in through the window, pretty mid-morning rays making everything shine gorgeously.   
Near sighed. He felt happy.   
"Come on, Mello," he said warmly. "Get up. Look at this." He pulled Mello up and wiped the spittle off the sides of blondie's mouth. Melllo was trembling, holding onto his gaping bleeding penis void. 'Did I just have a seizure?' Near put his arm around Mello's waist to comfort him.   
"Look, Mello," he said, nodding at his beautiful presentation on the bed. Mello couldn't bear the sight. It looked like a freak cucumber - the kind that might be in the guinness book of world records as "britain's largest vegetable" with a smiling farmer sitting on top of it - lying next to a shrivelled gherkin. Mello squinted in the sunlight and frowned; his groin ached, his ego hurt.   
It was an objective fact that pure beauty lay in front of them. Art, love, truth. Life, death. But Mello couldn't see this for what it was because he was feeling all insecure and self conscious all of a sudden. Am I still a man? he wondered. Am I anything?   
"I'm hungry," said Near, his stomach rumbling. The pain and shock of having his dick bit off had made him a little lightheaded, and he needed something to get his blood sugar up. Something with cabbage, perhaps.   
"It's nearly lunchtime," said Mello, trying to draw Near's attention away from the ridiculous size difference of their respective menhood. "Steak for lunch." He was still too shaken to form sentences longer than about three words.   
"You know, I feel like coleslaw." Near had a weird obsession with coleslaw.   
"You look like coleslaw," said Mello, who had wanted to say that since the first time he'd seen Near eat coleslaw, scooping it furiously into his mouth with his little white claw hands.   
"Look at how little yours is, Mello. It's adorable," said Near fondly. Seething, Mello pushed Near's loving arm away, and got up and went to the bathroom to refill his jug of water and get another lemon slice to put in it to flavour it. When he came back he vigorously dunked the knights in shining armour into the jug.  
"Be careful, Mello, don't let them sink. The jug is deep."   
"I'll be able to fish them out if they sink," he snapped.  
"You'll be able to fish mine out, yours might be a challe-"  
"Fine!" Mello pulled them out. They were no longer bleeding and they smelled like lemon.   
"Hmm yes. Hygiene," said Mello, proud of himself. But they kept dripping, and dripping, and dripping, onto the floor, so he wrapped the two gleaming noodles up in the fluffy towel, folded it over a few times, and placed it in the corner of his bed.   
"But Mello, I wanted to keep yours," said Near assertively. "You can't have both."   
"Just wait for them to dry!" said Mello, stomping around the room in search of his clothes. "You're so impatient."   
"Oh okay." Near smiled. "I'm going to lunch then." He buttoned up his flowy white XXXXL shirt that he'd bought from the 'big and tall' men's section of the local department store. "Coming?"  
'Coming? I'll never come again,' thought Mello, zipping his jeans up and then sticking some socks down there so he didn't look like a Ken doll. 'I'll bandage it later,' he decided, because he couldn't be bothered right now. There'd be blood all over his jeans at lunch, sure, but who cared? Not Mello. Maybe Matt. He cared about things like that. He was so superficial.   
"Yeah," said Mello, following Near down the hall. "Let's not sit with Matt though."


	2. coleslaw, washing machine, haircut

"Thankyou so much Roger," said Near, who was allowed, again, to have coleslaw for lunch and nothing else.  
"You should eat more protein," said Mello, who was sitting opposite him at the long wooden table and tearing apart large pieces of meat with his teeth. Near stared at this and thought of his absent dingle.  
"You need protein for your brain to work," Mello added. A nearby Wammy's kid overheard this and nodded enthusiastically, a noodle falling out of his mouth. He idolised Mello. Mello frowned, shifted away from him.  
"I'll eat more parts of Mello, and drink his blood," said Near, smiling, chewing on slivers of mayonnaised cabbage. Mello had no idea whether or not he was joking. 

"I think Mello has his period," noted Matt from the other side of the room, staring unashamedly at Mello's groin. Blood was soaking Mello's sexy blue jeans. It seemed that Near also had his period - and it was rather more noticeable due to his thin white clothes D: Matt put down his steak sandwich and sighed. He knew for a fact: if you spend a lot of time with someone, your menstrual cycle can sync with theirs. Matt felt sad - his period wasn't due for another two weeks, and he was jealous that Near got to spend so much time with Mello that the two now got their periods at the same time…  
"Oh, Rose," whispered Matt, reminiscing. He and Mello used to watch Titanic together on Matt's tiny TV, and stand on the bed with their arms out, pretending to be Rose and Jack. He missed those times.  
"If only we were close like we used to be… " Matt sighed again and sadly ate a triangle of cheese. Maybe later today he would... spy on them… 

After lunch Mello and Near went back to Mello's room to check on the winky's.  
But the winky's were gone.  
"Oh my god," said Mello. "The cleaning lady!" They ran to the washing machine room and opened all of the washing machines, letting water and soap and dirty laundry pour out onto the floor. The room flooded. SSSHHHPPPWWW water swished and went everywhere. They waded through the river and the heaps of towels and clothes, looking for Cucumber-sama and Gherkin-chan.  
"There they are!" shouted Mello, spotting a *twinkling* over by a stripy top that probably belonged to Matt, whom he no longer loved nor cared about. Near leapt gracefully towards the *twinkling* and grasped the lost treasures. They tried to slip out of his hands but he got his grip and threw them to Mello, who caught them skilfully and held them, the wet, soapy schlongs, squishy like skin and rubber. They squirmed and rolled around in his palms.  
"Thank god," said Mello and Near simultaneously, and they raced back to his room. 

Matt listened outside Mello's bedroom as he and Near discussed… something. He couldn't quite tell what.  
"So you keep mine, I keep yours, all good?" said Mello, wrapping a towel around Near's waist and then his own.  
"Yes," said Near dreamily, trying to keep the euphoric laugher that was welling up inside him out of his voice. With Mello's wang he knew he could and would find true happiness. This was what it all came down to. "All good," he said quietly.  
"Cool."  
Spy Matt narrowed his eyes and pressed his ear to the solid wood of the door.  
Meanwhile Mello was pressing his eye to the solid wood of the Near. He was trying to see up the shaft.  
"There's soap in the... tube thing," he said, looking directly down Near's semen straw and seeing tiny bubbles. "Bubbles."  
"Yours has soaked up lots of water," Near noted. He squished it a bit. It went SQLCH. "Like a sponge."  
"…"  
"I don't know how to dry it, Mello. It's so wet." He waved it around carelessly, trying to shake the water out/off, and it almost flew out of his hands and hit Mello's mirror.  
"Blow on it for a bit," said Mello. "That'll dry it. Then you can go back to your room and play with it or whatever. I have stuff to do for the rest of the day."  
'Dress wounds, wash hair, read cookbook,' he went through his to-do list in his head. 'Try make near's love pump fit inside my butt - take panadol first.'  
"Blow on it?"  
"Yes, blow on it," said Mello, distracted.  
"But it's so fragile… what if it blows away?" said Near. Mello glared furiously. "Near."  
"Maybe I can just hang it on the washing line."  
"The washing line is outside."  
"Yes."  
"Do not hang my penis on the washing line, Near."  
"Why not?"  
"Because Roger will find it and unpeg it and not know what it is and gather everyone and say 'whose is this?' and everyone will snicker and you, in your glorious innocent stupidity, will say 'It's Mello's, it's Mello's! But he gave it to me, sir, so it's mine now.'"  
Near blinked. Mello knew him too well.  
"Ugh," said Mello. "How did this even happen, Near? I mean, you're so little, why is your thing so-"  
"Big?"  
Suddenly there was a thunk from outside. Matt had fainted.  
"What was that noise?" Near said and opened the door and found Matt slumped against it.  
"Matty," said Mello, putting Near's still-soapy-from-the-washing-machine ex-sex-banana-of-enormity down on his bedside table and standing over Matty.  
SLAP slapped Mello, hitting Matt's cheek with his wet hand.  
Matt woke up. What am I doing here again? he thought. What was that about a penis on the washing line… must have been a dream. He looked up at Mello and Near in their towels.  
"Mels, wanna come over this afternoon?" he said casually. "Watch Titanic?"  
"No."  
"Titanic?" said Near, eyes widening. "I love that movie!"  
"No you don't," said Mello, glaring at Near. "You're thinking of something else."  
"Am I?"  
"You're thinking of Finding Nemo."  
"I don't think so, Mello."  
All of a sudden Near's wangle fell off the table and thudded onto the floor, causing reverberations.  
RVBVBVBV.  
"What was that?" Matt peered into Mello's room.  
"Nothing." But Near's meat was rolling fast - faster - shwwoop - down the badly constructed uneven floorboards - towards Matty.  
"Uh," he said, catching it in his hands.  
"I hope this isn't what I think it is," said Matt, eyeing the helmet of Near's purple headed soldier man - which still had detergent on it - with suspicion.  
"I doubt it is," said Mello.  
"Mello," Matt lowered his voice. "Is this an uncooked German sausage? You know you're not allowed to have uncooked German sausages in your room. Or is it smoked?"  
"It's Near's cock," said Mello. He snatched it back and cradled it. "I don't want to watch Titanic with you."  
"You know what?" said Matt, raising his voice, standing up. "If you're not gonna put the effort in to keep up this friendship then neither am I."  
"Fine," said Mello, sounding bored.  
"BY THE WAY MELLO, YOU HAVE REALLY STUPID HAIR!" shouted Matt as the door was slammed in his face.  
"Do I have stupid hair?" Mello asked Near quietly.  
"You have a beautiful noodle, Mello." Near held it up to the light and watched it sparkle. He licked some soap off it and retched. YUCK SOAP.  
"But what about my hair?"  
"And a great personality."  
"But my hair, what do you think of -"  
"I like Mello very much," said Near truthfully.  
"I'm gonna cut off all my hair."  
Near sat down on Mello's bed. He actually quite liked Mello's hair, but if Mello were to cut it all off, his head would look more the end of a penis. This is what Near wanted. Soon his life would be 10% coleslaw and 90% Mello/dongs/Mello's dong. He had no time for succeeding anyone. L could wait.  
"Do what you think is best," said Near with wisdom.  
With children's scissors and fiery determination, Mello cut off his long hair. He wrapped the blonde locks around Near's electric eel (for protection) and put it in his drawer. Perfect.  
"See you tomorrow, Near," he said, shooing Near out of his bedroom. "Let's have lunch together again, yeah?"  
"Yeah." Near smiled. "By the way, you should probably disinfect the area."  
"What area? Oh. Yeah, sure, Near."  
"You could get a terrible infection otherwise."  
"Really?" Mello cocked his mostly-bald head to the side.  
"Well…" Near considered. "Actually it's not that important for you, since your wound is so small."  
"Bye Near."  
"By-" the door closed and Near found himself in the hallway, Mello's John Thomas in the palm of his hand. He closed his fist when he saw Matt approaching.  
"Hey Near," said Matt who had been loitering. "Wanna watch Titanic?"  
"Oh, well I'm not sure, I always cry," said Near, face falling. Just the thought of gorgeous Leo shivering in that icy water made tears come to his eyes.  
"Yeah me too, we can cry together." 'Maybe me and Near can get our periods to sync,' he thought. 'Maybe Near can be my new Mello!'  
"Matt, can I see your man sausage?" said Near, following Matt to his room.  
"Huh?"  
"Your ding a ling."  
"Oh." Matt blushed furiously. "Uh, sure. If you want. Wait til we get to my room though." 

The TV was little and grainy, and Matt's bedroom smelled like a sock flavoured potato chip.  
"Draw me like one of your French girls," said Rose and Matt and Near at the same time. Near cuddled up to Matt.  
"This is kinda nice," said the redhead, who had always dismissed Near as 'weird pale kid with big dong'.  
"Yeah," said Near, moving his hand towards Matt's groin.  
"Near…mmm…."  
"Mind if I pause the movie?"  
"Nope."  
Near paused the movie and put his hand down Matt's pants, licking his lips. 

Mello heard a scream. It sounded like Matt. He ignored it and went back to his cookbook. He was learning how to make lemon butter icing. 

"Now I have two," said Near, content, softly piling pillows on top of Matt's face (to quieten him, not kill him). He skipped back to his room.  
END.

**Author's Note:**

> I just found out the summary of this was featured on wtffanfiction.tumblr ^_^


End file.
